The Event Horizon producers are on the phone. They sound pissed.

So, I’ve started playing Dead Space, for when Annette can’t (or doesn’t want to) play World of Warcraft.

I keep imagining a meeting like this:

“Ah, Mr Perkins! Come in, come in, we can’t wait to see your presentation!”

“Thank you. Gentlemen, I give you the USG Ishimura, the latest in the “Planet-Cracker” class of interstellar mining vessels. As you can see, the basic design of the ship revolves completely around compartmentalization of tasks, and as such we’ve structured our design so that the malfunction of a single tram, or door control computer, will turn the task of moving around the vessel into a process that is simultaneously as linear as a rail-gun and as convoluted as a Klein bottle.”

“Well done!”

“I’m glad you appreciate how difficult that was… as you can see, decor throughout the ship, even in the crew zones, is based on a palette of textures and materials that we like to call “Rusty Metal”. All of these metals have been treated so that bloodstains will stick to their surfaces like crazy. Any crazed and/or disturbing messages that you scrawl on these walls using your own or someone elses blood, will stay legible for as long as you wish.”

“Excellent. A question, if I may. I’m concerned about the size and availability of the air vents. Can you tell us about that?”

“Of course – the air vents run throughout all areas of the ship, and are are about the size of .. oh .. about the size of an animated and deformed human corpse. Yeah. About that big.”

“Splendid. Now .. what about explosive barrels? Crates containing health packs and weapon ammunition? Are there … are there enough?”

“Gentlemen, there are shitloads.”


  1. Ha, this stuff always reminds me of that bit in Galaxy Quest where they have to go through the stompers and Bill Shat- I mean, Tim Allen is yelling ‘Who would build this?’.

    Anyway. Russell Brown said nice things about you and wants you to come to his party.

  2. Space ship design in holly wood sucks, no compartmentalization, no redundant systems, AI’s that are prone to mental illness, engines that take forever to repair and spacefolding/worm hole drives that take you to hell dimensions, air ducts big enough to hide aliens stow always and small armies. Laser weapons that have enough wattage to cut steel but can’t pierce alien skin. Shields that allow slow moving objects to pierce but everyone but the alien has i velocity rounds. Transporters with matter filters that never work. Or send you organs to the other side of the universe. If you were an alien with acid for blood yo would need a source of acid to keep the blood melty fresh, look at what the absense of water does to humans or alack of iron. Total metabolic breakdown. There are no magical metals that don’t exist on the periodic table. They are either isotopes or allotropes. Super heavy elements break down after a few seconds. And there a an infinate number of subatomic short cuts which allow you to be come a god like being by accident. And radiation doesn’t kill you it gives you super powers or makes you psychic or turns you in an alien with a vagina obsession. All clones are inheritable evil and if they aren’t they will always sacrifice their life for you.

    Science ficton tropes are fun.