Sects Appeal

“The Ministers’ Association is so worried about the growth in “potentially deceptive psychic influences” in the town that it has warned parishioners against dabbling in the dark arts.

After hearing a spiritual channeling event was organised by a local woman, the association wrote to its flock about its concern about an “upsurge in mediums, channelings and so forth in town”.

Yeah. They’re worried like a meth dealer gets worried when a crack house opens down the block.

This is a good bit:

“But the Matamata clergy is not charmed. “We just want to make our position clear that we should put our trust in God,” said Lewis. “Seeking to be guided by the spirit world and dabbling in things like this could get out of control.”

This stuff just hurts my head, you know.

Put your trust in a triumvite God/Jesus/Holy Ghost creator, you fools! Not in this wishy-wasy The Spirit World!

Or maybe, “Don’t Meddle With The Spirit World, Except In An Approved Manner!”

Oh, and on your way home, watch out for Trolls under the bridge, and be sure to ward off any Fairie Folk that may be hovering over your home, turning your child into a changeling. The child will still look the same, of course. THAT’S HOW YOU CAN TELL.

For Fucks Sake, Tithe! TITHE LIKE THE WIND!


  1. I know you’re right and this is a turf war, but if it were me I would take the same stance over this as Queen Victoria took over Lesbians, “They don’t exist” she was of the opinion that they didn’t have the right equipment to have sex and therefor there weren’t and therefor lesbianism didn’t exist.

    So yes if I was the church I would, if I didn’t believe these dark arts existed (which I personally don’t) I wouldn’t see any harm in anybody taking part in them, I mean if you can’t talk to the dead or read peoples futures or enter spiritual planes (which again I don’t believe you can) then there’s no crime being commited here, it can’t be done so they can’t be doing it.

    I would take the stance that it’s a complete waste of people’s time because it’s not real, if the church were to blow people off with blith statements like well they might think they’re summoning dark spirits but all they are really doing is having their money taken from them by fat people in bad hats and too much costume jewelery, but then maybe that’s a little close to home.

    • You need to read you Old Testament about the Witch of Endor. King Saul went to a medium so that he could talk to Solomon’s ghost so that he could discover the future.

      Christians do believe (traditionally) that the dark arts exist and are real. Just that their power comes not from God but from Satan.

      • Well that makes _much_ more sense.

      • To be honest I find the possibility that dark arts exist even less likely than the existance of god, if that’s even possible.

        It’s just a bunch of sad bastards trying to get laid whilst wearing shiny cloaks and prancing about in the wilderness…. I think I’ll shutup now.

        • And I’d say 95% of people are indeed wearing the bad felt hats and the silly cloaks prancing around. But there are those who are dead serious and there are real cases of possession or evil rituals.

          • You know very well that I believe that nobody was ever actually possesed, but that they had psychological disorders that either made them appear possesed or that they were convinced that they were possesed because of what they had been taught or conditioned to beleive.

          • I’m quite sure I shouldn’t.

          • I guess you don’t believe in levitation then? Because I’d love to see a psychologist explain that.

          • I’d like to see a physicist explain it.

          • So would I, but I suspect they can’t (at least as yet). It’s quite a well known but very rare, example of spiritual activity. St Teresa of Avila levitated so much the town’s folk came for the show. I’d be more skeptical except I know of a case directly of levitation during an exorcism. The person who told me and the priest who performed it, I trust both of them to be honest. And it’s a bit hard to fake a 12 year old kid floating up a wall…

          • Ah yes, the amazing levitations and whatnot that are only ever witnessed by the devout and somehow, in a day and age where every random chav has a cellphone with a camera in it, are never recorded.

            “Fucking hell, mate! Our Kev, you know, our Cheryl’s oldest, is only fucking posessed an’ all! He’s fucking halfway up the fucking bedroom wall! Floatin’ about wi’is head spinning around speaking like that guy ‘o does movie trailers! I fucking recorded the ‘ole fucking thing on me cell – I’m posting it to myspace right fucking now! Fucking SORTED!”

            Clearly the first thing Happy Clam True Believers should do is call an atheist with a video camera in to check it out. That’ll sort out those inexplicable symptoms pretty much immediately, eh?

          • 1. your point is valid and I don’t deny it, otoh I can’t see how St Teresa of Avila managed to train with David Copperfield in order to con her nuns and the people who came to watch her.

            2. The devil already has Our Kev since Our Kev wouldn’t know goodness even if it had an advertising campaign on myspace and txted him three times a day. Our Kev merely cares that he has the latest in stupid trousers and whatever passes for fashionable hats these days. I suspect Our Kev’s mum sold his infant soul to the devil for new carpet and a genuine cubic zirconia gold plated ring back in the eighties.

          • Another story about Magical Happenings! Wait .. I’m trying to guess if this happened in front of a crowd of camcoder-bearing true believers, or if it’s another one from the mists of antiquity.

            Annnndddddd…. YES! IT’S DURING THE AGE OF REFORMATION! I am GENUINELY SHOCKED. Nah, not really.

            Have her modern equivalent levitate in front of a sceptic. Or hell, have them do in in front of a crowd of happy clam true believers and then just show me the video tape. Anything. ANYTHING AT ALL. But, of course, that won’t happen. Of if it does, some stage magician will say “Uh, well, actually, that could easily be done like _this_…” and then someone like you will come along and say “Oh, sure, _you’d_ do it like that, because you need to cheat. OUR guy does it because he’s chock full of Jesus Juice!”

            Yrs, etc, Sane in Mayfair. (Brigadier General) (Retired)

          • Okay. How about Padre Pio, there’s footage of him.


          • mkay… after having to install freaking Realplayer to watch that (lord preserve us (yes I get the irony)) I find that there is a 38 min and a 2 hr file on that site. TL;DR. Sooooo if you would be happy to provide the timestamps of the exact portions of the video that show full motion video of him levitating (i.e 1hr:24min)I will be happy to re-load it and view the footage. There is no way I’m sitting through a 2 hr documentary for what might simply be an old grainy picture.


          • As far as I know it’s the stigmata that was filmed, not the bilocation or levitation. However how about this?


          • Mkay… for something that is apparently so documented I’ve done an extensive web search and for something that is so miraculous and obviously proof of gods divinity and existence there is a surprising lack of photos or videos of him performing this “miracle”. Other than the long videos you provided which I can’t watch until given a timestamp of the actual levitation video there are no pics or vids anywhere I can find.

          • You’re right. AFAIK there is no record of him levitating. Sorry. Just descriptions of it.

          • What’s to explain, people can’t levitate.

          • I’d like to see proof of it ever even occuring. Preferably in front of me.

          • So would I, but seriously… what would you do if you saw something genuinely unexplainable?

          • I would study it intensely. If I could explain it then it stops being unexplainable and my world view continues unabated and if I truly cannot attribute it to any known phenomenon I will shift my world view to accommodate the evidence..

            For example if the evangelical “Rapture” ever does occur I will immediately shift my worldview to include the existence of god.

            I am not intractable. That’s the great thing about scientific method… I subscribe to no doctrine. If evidence points at a particular truth I will accept it. At the moment I feel the weight of evidence points towards the lack of existence of god.. or rather I see no intractable evidence in _favour_ or an existence of god. My belief is not a negative belief. It is an absence of belief. There is no intractable evidence against the existence of unicorns either but I still don’t believe in them due to the lack of positive proof.

            I suspect the main difference between you and me is that my requirements for “proof” are more stringent. *shrugs* which should not be a “burn in hell forever” punishment from a truly loving god. If it is, to be quite honest, he doesn’t deserve my worship because he is no longer loving but evil.

          • Oh yeah. If there were an omnipotent Judeo-Christian-style God, then frankly, he’s either insane or a bit of a cock.