This Will End Well

So, back in the day there was a video game called Star Control, which I played a lot, as well as a sequel called Star Control II which was GENIUS BRILLIANT GAMEPLAY FOR THE WIN LOL and which I played even more.

One of the ships from this game was the Ilwrath Avenger, which had as a main weapon a very high-damage, absurdly short range, plasma gun. The way to fight the Avenger was to stay the hell away at all times and fire long range weapons at it until it died. Anyway, a certain picture from the intro to the game which always made me smile was a shot of a decloaked Ilwrath with main gun firing, and you could just make out the figure of some other sort of ship that’s right next to the Avengers main plasma emitter, and is thus melting hideously in the superhot beam of flaming death. But the funny part was that also in this picture was an arrow pointed at the other ship and the caption text on the arrow placidly states… “Tactically Poor Position”

Hah! It’s making me smile again just thinking about it.

Anyway, I saw a picture today that made me recall this wonderful image from the past. Here it is.

epic03-04forksFAIL

Now, note from the shadow and the inclination of the bike with respect to the ground that this gentleman is in the middle of a front wheelie, or a “stoppie” if I may use the vernacular from back in my bikin’ days. These are performed by applying the front brakes hard enough, while at speed, to cause the rear end to stand up. I never had the balls to try this, but I had friends who managed it. Note also that this particular picture has been snapped at the precise moment where the physical stresses of this maneuver have exceeded the operational and/or material tolerances of the motorcycles front wheel assembly.

Further points to note carefully:

– Firstly, the lack of a leather jacket, or gloves.
– Secondly, the lack of a full-face helmet.
– Thirdly, the lack of ANY kind of helmet.
– Fourthly, you can’t see, but fuck, why not, he’ll be wearing jandals or be barefoot or something, he’s that kind of guy.
– Fifthly, the location of his scrotum, compared to say .. the handlebars and/or the pointy bits of fibreglass fairing.
– Sixthly, and perhaps most importantly, THE EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE.

Have you noted all these elements? Do you appreciate the precise timing of this image? Do you understand the story, NAY, the SAGA that this image is the mere precursor thereof?

Tactically.

Poor.

Position.

7 thoughts on “This Will End Well

  1. Oh JSR, my sides split. Actually literally, no sarcasm intended. I had forgotten about that image. That and the poor sap on the bike… But in homage and thanks to the power of google…

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  2. I love the way you can see the fork oil spurting out. You could have maybe pointed out that a possible consequence of a failed stoppie is a “faceplant”. I don’t know what you call it when your own bike swats you against the ground but I suspect that’s a possibility too.

    Always makes me wince when I see even scooter riders without gloves or good footwear. Now I want to buy a “crash and burn” magazine and enjoy some schadenfreude.

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    1. I thought it was fork oil, at first I thought it might be springs and wiring.

      It always amazes me some people’s attitude towards safety, like those twats at school who would cycle along with their cycle helmet hanging off the handle bars because helmets “weren’t cool” that’s gotta suck you’re laying on the ground with half you brains hanging out and a few inches from you face you can see you cycle helmet perfectly intact.

      and even these days you see idiots with the straps of their cycle helmets hanging open under their chin, yeah first thing that’s going to happen when the get hit by a car is that helmet will go sailing off or it will bounce off their head as they impact the ground so their head can grind and bash it’s way along the pavement into the curb.

      In the immortal words of Andre just before he zapped himself with the full charge of the bank of capacitors for his tesla coil, “We’ll make it safe later”

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  3. Do you understand the story, NAY, the SAGA that this image is the mere precursor thereof?

    Also, this wasn’t the *squishy* image of the Precursors that *happy campers* expected. *frumple*

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    1. It’s a bit American, but the Internet assures me that the traditional phrase used for such events is … “Hey y’all! Watch this!”

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