Prompted by the always a pleasure to read ranting stylings of , here’s a list of the worst movies I have ever seen.
(Note – Limited to: (a) Movies I have seen relatively recently since I tend to put bad ones out of my mind, and (b) Biggish budget stuff rather than Space Force Ninjas from Mars or whatever shit Troma is throwing together in an effort to make people believe it’s “cult”)
1) Attack of the Phantom Revenge of the Menacing Sith
Cheating here, compressing three movies into one, but fuck it, it’s my blog. Go get your own blog! That’s right, walk away!
You all know what I hate about these films by now, surely? Shitty stories, shitty acting, shitty characterisations, characters doing stupid shit just because the plot called for it (“I, the Emperor, am Evil! You should be too!” “No!” “Oh, go on, I implore you!” “Okay!” “Great! Now kill all your friends!”), absurd set pieces, shitbox pointless characters inserted for toy-related-reasons (“Dexter Jexter”, I’m looking at you), the ever-changing abilities of R2D2 (“Hey! Let’s take out these flight jets and install some kind of teddy-bear zapping device!”) and acting totally worthy of TV’s General Hospital, circa the mid-1980s. Someone is going to say “Oh, come now, you had years to get wound up about these sequels! They could never match years worth of expectations!” .. fuck you, if I had years to get excited about more Star Wars movies, Lucas had an equal amount of years to put the fucking things together in his head. And do it well. I’ve seen each of these movies exactly once, and that’s all I plan to see. And I’ve seen Howard the Duck twice. Lucas really tried to pull out some stops in Episode III, but even Yoda channeling Bruce Lee couldn’t save it. Even two jedi crash-landing a burning spaceship from orbit couldn’t save it. You couldn’t have saved it if Batman showed up in it.
2) Matrix II and III
Hah! I’m cheating again! And there’s nothing you can do about! Gonna whine, goth? Gonna be sad, maybe write a poem? Piss off! Go on, run! Hot Topic has a sale! Hahaha!
Okay, seriously, these two .. what the hell happened? I am a BIG fan of The Matrix. Always was. Always will be. Though like Phantom Menace, et all, the badness of the sequels is so great, it almost taints the original. Singing and Dancing in Zion? Sucked when it was Ewoks doing it in Return of the Jedi, and it sucks when it’s you, Zionites. Zionians. People of Zion. Yeah. Defending Zion against attacking machines with … EMP devices all around the edge of the city. They’re the only things that’ll work, as you told us in the first movie. … … No? What, then? … Walking robot things with machine guns? Of course. But this would have been sufferable, if there were cool fight scenes. There were not. Neo vs 1000 Smiths. A snoozefest. I can see crappy CGI fights on my playstation already. No need to go to the movies. Hell, someone Neo fought (I don’t even remember who – how sad is that?) said “In order to know someone, you must fight them!” … what the FUCK is that? Here’s an imaginary outtake from that script:
MAN: Let’s fight!
NEO: Where I come from, those are fighting words!
Seen each of these once, as well. Plan to keep it that way.
3) Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls
Ace Ventura – Pet Detective was a movie about a smart, sensitive guy acting like a dick as a defence mechanism. The sequel is supposed to be about the same guy, but this time he’s just a dick. Directed by Steve Odekerk, I guess maybe while on crack, because his movie Kung Pow – Enter the Fist is good enough to merit a permanent spot on my video ipod.
4) Dungeons and Dragons
The single worst edited movie I have ever seen on the big screen. I’ll wager the studio saw the final result and brought people in in an effort to lose a B-story, or to re-edit it into a different story altogether. The protagonist actually does a non-ironic Big No towards the end of the film. You know, the Big No? Also known as The Khan? Where you drop to your knees and raise your arms and the camera is craned up above you and you yell NOOOOOOOO as it moves up? Optionally, it may be raining when you do this. No-one seriously does this in a movie any more, it’s always done ironically. And yet D&D found a way.
5) Wild Wild West
I had more to say, but even remembering these terrible movies is bumming me out. My comments are getting shorter and shorted as my will to live is sapped. I’m going to give up on this for now. Oh, Wild Wild West, a movie so bad a giant steam-powered spider couldn’t make you good.