Ikea sell pretty much the exact desk I’m looking for, adjustable to a wide range of heights, including the all-important standing up one. And it’s quite cheap. I shall await their Auckland store opening with anticipation.

I was reading a local Auckland magazine in the cafe today, while waiting for my lunch. It had 4 or 5 pages of those “social scene” photographs. You know. “Ms Emily Smythe-Smith-Smithe and Mr Tarquin Chinless-Daterape are shown enjoying a private joke.” That kinda thing.

Anyway, based on the pictures I saw, I just wanted to say that if any of the items listed below apply to your preferred outfit for an evenings clubbing then I, personally, genuinely, seriously, want you to die. In a fire.

– Pastel Shirts. Unbuttoned too far.
– Bling. Involving Crucifices.
– All The Hair Gel In The World.
– Sunglasses on. Inside.
– A popped collar. Just .. No. Fuck. No. No-one looks cool with a popped collar. No-one has EVER looked cool with a popped collar[1]. No-one EVER WILL look cool with a popped collar. DON’T BE THAT GUY.

Thank you for your time.

[1] Except Elvis. And you ain’t him.


  1. You’re going to buy an item of Ikea furniture? I thought only people on American sit-coms about a group of middle-class urban white folks did that. Truly, you have become one with the Auckland 🙂

    Somewhere…. probably on Gizmodo…. I remember seeing a computer desk that folded down to make a single futon bed (without having to unplug, move, or otherwise disturb the computer and stuff). I thought it was so ingenious and generally neato-keeno that I immediately wanted one. And I still do.

    • Is that like becoming One With The Night?

      Should I fight crime? What kind of powers does this situation convey? Telepathic control over lattes? Uncannily long lunches? I’ll need to pick a suitable battle cry … probably something like “Will you PICK a FUCKING LANE? Asshole!”

  2. I thought you liked sunglasses inside.

    Also, IKEA sucks.

    • Perhaps when I was an idiot child. Hell, I liked all kinds of stupid shit once, doesn’t mean I have to be a spaz my whole life.

      I’ve never personally dealt with Ikea furniture. Can you elaborate on “sucks”?

      • It sucks because you can go into practically any house in England and see the exact same mirror in the bathroom/lampshade in the hall/rug in the living room. It’s turning us into SIMS.

        • Ah, okay. I was mildly concerned that it was just crappy stuff. I’ll customise mine with like, stickers and whatnot. Okay, not really. But unless I go with stupidly expensive stuff meant for industrial operations centers, or custom-made furniture, the Ikea stand-up desk is still the best deal.

        • But that’s more down to personal taste than anything that’s directly Ikea’s fault. Yeah, you can decorate your house to look like your neighbours, but you can also combine Ikea with antiques, second-hand stuff and your grandma’s old corner table to do your own thing.

          Ikea have some shelves I want, so I too am eagerly waiting for the Auckland store to open!

      • Do I not have to be a spaz my whole life either then?

  3. You forgot The Fonz.

    • You know … I’m gonna come right out and say it … the Fonz is not, and was never, cool. He was some aging TV executives idea of what 50’s cool was. In the 70’s. The Fonz was, in fact, the exact kind of popped collar dork I am railing against. When I said “Don’t be that guy” … The Fonz is that guy.

      I did like the essay which posited The Fonz as Modern Shaman, however.

      • I always wondered why The Fonz was meant to be cool. He was almost a place holder. You were meant to just accept that he characterised cool even though there wasn’t anything much about him that was cool.

      • *gasp*

        It must be that extra lump of age you have on me that made you so cynical and nasty.

  4. There is an Ikea in Melbourne. Everyone smirked to a certain degree when they mentioned it – but most people, barring the hideously independently wealthy, generally found *something* in there that was practical, easy to use and easy on the eye, and that they needed.

    I want one in Wellington 🙁

  5. My sister brought back an Ikea catalogue from .au.

    I gave it to Marie. It’s her Ikea Pr0n.

    Ditto, want one in Wellington.

    In .au, I believe they deliver nation-wide. If their stuff, in the flesh, is about as good as it lookss on paper, it’d be worth a a detour if you were in AK to pick some stuff out for delivery…

    • One of the ways they make their money is through reasonably hefty delivery charges… They also offer a service whereby they assemble it for you as well, effectively removing their price point-of-difference… But if it’s what you want!

      When we first arrived I was a bit lost re: furniture without Ikea 🙁

    • Does that mean I could make a decent living posting Ikea catalogues across the world?

      .. you know, at least until it catches on, several other people undercut me, leaving me with a huge stockpile of useless catalogues, pitifully begging for spare change on the tube?

  6. Blah

    A desk that folds into a bed? Well now I’ve seen it all!