The Shooter

So, the vice president of the United States shoots a man. On saturday.

No-one is TOLD about this, ’till sunday. And even then it’s because the owner of the ranch talks to the local paper, not anything from .. say .. the white house press corps.

Even then, on sunday, people are told that it’s a silly accident, only minor injuries, something to be laughed off around the bar of the hunting lodge, ha ha ha, say can I freshen that up for ya’? The owner of the ranch where it happens tells media reps that the victim is “bruised more than bloodied” and that “his pride was hurt more than anything else.” All very jolly, hunting buddies together, jolly pirate nicknames, ho ho ho.

Bruised more than bloodied. Remember that phrase.

So anyway, it was announced today that the chap shot by the US Vice President has today had a heart attack and that the cause of this heart attack was … birdshot from the shooting which had lodged in his heart.


If there’s any kind of Guinness World Record for, like, “Worst Bruise Ever”, and it doesn’t go to this dude, then he has been robbed.


  1. The guy took a load of birdshot in the chest and face. Now, while I’ll concede there’s a certain amount of rock’n’roll to the VP shooting some guy in the motherfucking face and what the fuck are you gonna do about it, back in the real world don’t you, like, get in trouble for that sort of thing?

    I hear that both Cheney and his victim are being fined for not being good hunters (Cheney for not identifying his target, the victim for not making his presence known to his fellow hunters) — is that it? I mean, aren’t the police even invloved? What if the guy dies?

  2. the dub MD’s playa

    Jon Stewart: “I’m joined now by our own vice-presidential firearms mishap analyst, Rob Corddry. Rob, obviously a very unfortunate situation. How is the vice president handling it?

    Rob Corddry: “Jon, tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush.

    “And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Whittington’s face.”