Just watched the trailer for the “Doom” movie.

Item the first: Hell is not involved. Instead, there’s some stuff about viruses and suchlike. So, then “DNA and shit .. and now everyones a zombie.” Not really Doom at all. More .. oh .. what’s the word… Resident Evil. Yeah, that’s it.

Item the second: We’ve already established that it’s not One Guy vs Hell, which is what Doom the game was. It is, in fact, One Guy vs Mutants. Except, no. It’s not one guy. It’s a whole team of guys. With names like “The Kid” and “Sarge” and .. fuck .. I dunno .. “Big Dave” and “Pirate Spanks McGee”. It’s a whole TEAM of army fatigue wearin’ guys, invading a space installation, killing fast-moving things with guns. It’s what would happen if “Aliens” got “Resident Evil” pregnant, and then gave it thalidomide.

Item the third: In the trailer, there’s some gameplay-style FPS scenes. Yes! You can pay $12 to get the experience of _watching someone else play Doom_! OMG, SIGN ME THE FUCK UP, WHERE CAN I PRE-PAY FOR THIS SHINING CINEMATIC GEM BEFORE IT IS STOLEN IN THE NIGHT BY ACROBATIC BLACK-CLAD MOVIE BURGLARS!

Item the fourth: Presumably due to some sort of error, Uwe Boll is NOT INVOLVED in this movie in any way.


  1. *snerk*

    Before I got to the end of your post, I was going to ask whether Uwe Boll directed.