The Dragon Of Misery Is Kind Of A Dick

So, this evening, I was unable to get to the forums hosted by my old friend Chris. I could reach other web sites, and indeed even ping his machine, but not browse to it.

I sent him an sms stating that they were down, and then I noticed that I could reach them from a non-Woosh connection, and I postulated that Woosh (my ISP) had a bung transproxy or transproxy routing to IHUG where his machine lives.

His girlfriend, Helen, NATURALLY offered a counter-proposal which was quite compelling.

The problem was, she said, obviously that the Feng Shui around my modem was TOTALLY wrong.

Interesting …. and SO OBVIOUS.

I would put it to the test!

Here’s the modem in it’s default state:


As you can see, it’s Feng Shui is obviously “all up out of wack, yo” as we Feng Shui masters like to say. I decided to tie a red ribbon around it, and put a mirror behind it. The red ribbon attacts … good .. stuff. And the mirror distracts the Dragon of Misery by showing it its own reflection.



Results were not positive. Not only was the site still unreachable, but signal strength of the RF feed was down, and bit-error rates were up.

I had clearly angered the gods.

I decided to stop fucking around with mystic claptrap, and let the problem be solved by The Invisible Hand of The Market.

I put some positive reinforcement on one side of the modem, in the shape of money and beer. On the other side, I put A Scary Monster from Where The Wild Things Are. I then informed the modem that if it worked hard, respected the rule of law and embraced capitalism, it would get a reward. Otherwise, monsters awaited it.


No dice. My Woosh modem is some kind of pinko commie – both godless AND uninterested in capitalism.

I do not know what to do at this time. I may have to report it to the Department of Homeland Security.

Does New Zealand even have one of those?

And how spooky is the name “Department of Homeland Security”?


  1. I think you need better things to occupy your time 😉

  2. I notice that your moden is on something of a lean – could this be because it is a lazy, good for nothing, dole-bludging piece of crap? May be you need to threaten to cut off it’s benefit and remove it’s dope supply?

  3. Tch, tch, tch.

    You (of all people) should now that the prime tenet of Feng Shui is correct orientation with respect to other forces, both near and far.

    Have you tried turning the modem to face north so as to recieve more of the positive energy flowing down the earth from the sun. Or given the nature of the modem’s task, perhaps the opposite should apply.

  4. You know what’s spookier than “The Department of Homeland Security” ? The fact that they let one of their workers compete on Joe Average. Apparently he’s never been in love, and I dunno about you, but if I was American, I’d feel very nervous about leavign the fate of my country in his hands.

  5. maybe what the modem needs is a friend. when did you last speak comfortingly to your modem? does it even know you care?

    on a side note, god i hate crappy woosh.