MonthApril 2007

The WOWS

Annette and I have levelled our respective WoW Druids up to 65 now. Awesome. Only three levels before Flight Form, and only 5 ’till we’re capped. Woo!

Tonight, on a real-life quest to purchase a Pie and some Big’Uns (Rewards: 100XP and Stamina+10 for 1 hour) we drove past the usual car retards down at the service station. Saw one guy with like a purple honda accord with neon ground effects and stickers and the driver is slouched so low that his arm resting on the windowsill is actually angled UP from his shoulder, and he’s of COURSE wearing a baseball cap, and he’s blaring some eurodance crap on his stereo… I want to know, what’s going on in his mind, there? How, in his mind, does he think¬†this whole ensemble appears to interested onlookers? How many times has he seen The Fast and the Furious? Does he, deep down, not realise that he Looks A Twat?

Just. Bad. Movies.

Prompted by the always a pleasure to read ranting stylings of , here’s a list of the worst movies I have ever seen.

(Note – Limited to: (a) Movies I have seen relatively recently since I tend to put bad ones out of my mind, and (b) Biggish budget stuff rather than Space Force Ninjas from Mars or whatever shit Troma is throwing together in an effort to make people believe it’s “cult”)

1) Attack of the Phantom Revenge of the Menacing Sith

Cheating here, compressing three movies into one, but fuck it, it’s my blog. Go get your own blog! That’s right, walk away!

You all know what I hate about these films by now, surely? Shitty stories, shitty acting, shitty characterisations, characters doing stupid shit just because the plot called for it (“I, the Emperor, am Evil! You should be too!” “No!” “Oh, go on, I implore you!” “Okay!” “Great! Now kill all your friends!”), absurd set pieces, shitbox pointless characters inserted for toy-related-reasons (“Dexter Jexter”, I’m looking at you), the ever-changing abilities of R2D2 (“Hey! Let’s take out these flight jets and install some kind of teddy-bear zapping device!”) and acting totally worthy of TV’s General Hospital, circa the mid-1980s. Someone is going to say “Oh, come now, you had years to get wound up about these sequels! They could never match years worth of expectations!” .. fuck you, if I had years to get excited about more Star Wars movies, Lucas had an equal amount of years to put the fucking things together in his head. And do it well. I’ve seen each of these movies exactly once, and that’s all I plan to see. And I’ve seen Howard the Duck twice. Lucas really tried to pull out some stops in Episode III, but even Yoda channeling Bruce Lee couldn’t save it. Even two jedi crash-landing a burning spaceship from orbit couldn’t save it. You couldn’t have saved it if Batman showed up in it.

2) Matrix II and III

Hah! I’m cheating again! And there’s nothing you can do about! Gonna whine, goth? Gonna be sad, maybe write a poem? Piss off! Go on, run! Hot Topic has a sale! Hahaha!

Okay, seriously, these two .. what the hell happened? I am a BIG fan of The Matrix. Always was. Always will be. Though like Phantom Menace, et all, the badness of the sequels is so great, it almost taints the original. Singing and Dancing in Zion? Sucked when it was Ewoks doing it in Return of the Jedi, and it sucks when it’s you, Zionites. Zionians. People of Zion. Yeah. Defending Zion against attacking machines with … EMP devices all around the edge of the city. They’re the only things that’ll work, as you told us in the first movie. … … No? What, then? … Walking robot things with machine guns? Of course. But this would have been sufferable, if there were cool fight scenes. There were not. Neo vs 1000 Smiths. A snoozefest. I can see crappy CGI fights on my playstation already. No need to go to the movies. Hell, someone Neo fought (I don’t even remember who – how sad is that?) said “In order to know someone, you must fight them!” … what the FUCK is that? Here’s an imaginary outtake from that script:

MAN: Let’s fight!
NEO: Where I come from, those are fighting words!
[They fight]

Seen each of these once, as well. Plan to keep it that way.

3) Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls

Ace Ventura – Pet Detective was a movie about a smart, sensitive guy acting like a dick as a defence mechanism. The sequel is supposed to be about the same guy, but this time he’s just a dick. Directed by Steve Odekerk, I guess maybe while on crack, because his movie Kung Pow – Enter the Fist is good enough to merit a permanent spot on my video ipod.

4) Dungeons and Dragons

The single worst edited movie I have ever seen on the big screen. I’ll wager the studio saw the final result and brought people in in an effort to lose a B-story, or to re-edit it into a different story altogether. The protagonist actually does a non-ironic Big No towards the end of the film. You know, the Big No? Also known as The Khan? Where you drop to your knees and raise your arms and the camera is craned up above you and you yell NOOOOOOOO as it moves up? Optionally, it may be raining when you do this. No-one seriously does this in a movie any more, it’s always done ironically. And yet D&D found a way.

5) Wild Wild West

Wikki-Wikki-Shit.

I had more to say, but even remembering these terrible movies is bumming me out. My comments are getting shorter and shorted as my will to live is sapped. I’m going to give up on this for now. Oh, Wild Wild West, a movie so bad a giant steam-powered spider couldn’t make you good.

Lurker In The Darkness

The always-funny Wil Wheaton posted a¬†fantastic picture this morning – it’s of US President Bush giving a speech, while US Vice President Cheney literally lurks in the shadows.

Now there have been some excellent suggestions for a caption for this, including the following (my personal favourites)..


“Ahhh. Back on the grassy knoll. After all this time. Feels good.”

“You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talking… you talking to me? Well I’m the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to? Oh yeah? OK.”

“What art thou that usurp’st this time of night,
Together with that fair and warlike form
In which the majesty of buried Cheney
Did sometimes march? by heaven I charge thee, speak!”

I personally would not actually caption this at all. I’d just play the Star Wars Imperial March as a background score, and let the scene ride out on it’s own merits.

..thank you very much. Ni!

Elvis .. THE Elvis .. was apparently a huge Monty Python fan. Or so says his then-girlfriend Linda Thompson.

Try to imagine Elvis Presley doing a Monty Python bit. The dead parrot sketch, perhaps. Or the Bruces Philosophy song. Go ahead…just try.

That’s good old fashioned nightmare fuel.

Greetings, Programs

Cleaned up my friends list today, unfriended people who haven’t posted for ages or simply don’t post any more. A jorb well done!

Actual conversation had at work:

“Seriously, JSR, why are using that Second Life thing? The graphics are so bad.”
“They’ll fix them in time. Besides, I’m more intersted in the emerging societal aspects of a culture that exists in a 100% malleable digital realm. It’s a really interesting glimpse into people’s psyches to see what avatars they create and what they do with them.”
“Uh huh.”
“Also,if I can play in a sim where I can spook and stampede a herd of furries by flying low over them in a Recognizer from Tron .. then I will put up with crappy graphics.”

There’s a glimpse into MY psyche.