Heckblazer

So, they’re making a movie of Hellblazer, one of my favourite comics.

“Excellent!” I thought. Then I remembered the recent Punisher and Daredevil movies and I had second thoughts. And they were “…or, perhaps, it’ll pretty much suck!”

So, I go find out what’s going on with the production.

Two words: Keanu Reeves. Three more: Set In America.

“What The Fuck?” thought I.

But now I have seen the trailer. And it is The Suck.

Based solely on the sixty-second teaser trailer, I am prepared to state that black-haired, american accented, Keanu “Solid Oak” Reeves is UTTERLY MISCAST in this sorry-looking ballsack of a film. He just doesn’t fucking carry it off. He is NOT JOHN CONSTANTINE.

If the producers were looking for a “name” actor for this, they should have hired Ewen McGregor who (a) can act, (b) is from the right part of the world, and (c) apprently actually is John Constantine, which is a strong statement I know, but as evidence I offer this picture:

ewen-constantine

Where do these casting decisions and story alterations come from? I’m guessing Satan Himself has a hand in it.

8 Comments

  1. Two words: Keanu Reeves.
    “What The Fuck?” thought I.

    I’m not surprised you thought that. I’m also not surprised someone’s doing that though.

  2. Hrm. A bit boyish in the facial department. My flatmate (oh, alright, ) reckons Sean Bean, or Clive Owen.

    • Oyah. Sean Bean. Although Ewan McGregor works for me, too. What’s next, Sandman with Orlando Bloom as Dream and Kirsten Dunst as Death?

      • I just dread to think who they’ll have on board for The Watchmen. Suggestions so far on IMDB include Bruce Campbell for The Comedian (OK, that could be quite fun), Steve Buscemi for Rorshach (shudder) and Keanu Fuckin’ Reeves for Dr Manhattan (I don’t think this last one was serious).

        Hmm. Must try and cast it myself. See how many they get right.

  3. The first punisher movie (with Dolf Lungren) or the second punisher movie (which technically you couldn’t have seen yet…)?

    The first one was so nasty I’ve blotted it out.

  4. you bumped the monkey.

  5. keanu reaves may be a shitty actor and have black hair, but ewen mcgregor is a pussy and even keanu can pull of introverted and self-centered better.

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