Why So Seriously?

The following is a list of things which are “edgier” than Jared Leto’s Joker:

 

  • The song “Sh-Boom (Life Could Be A Dream)” covered by a local ska band.
  • A pair of “Docker” pants, unironed.
  • Wearing a pair of very dark blue socks with a black suit.
  • A powerpoint presentation about Bono.
  • A party political broadcast on behalf of the opposition party.
  • Updating your CV to show that one of your personal hobbies is “Reading.”
  • Coldplay.

 

I Hope I Spelt “Vignette” Correctly.

I saw a fascinating little vignette[1] take place outside the curry shop where I was buying dinner.  It featured three participants. Let’s call them Bogan Dude, Well-Groomed Guy, and Friendly-Looking Girl.

The three of them are on their way somewhere, in no hurry. They’re all obviously friends, laughing and talking. Bogan Dude is cracking jokes, interestingly directing them at Friendly-Looking Girl, rather than Well-Groomed Guy. They’ve had a few drinks.

Friendly girl produces a necklace, and asks Well-Groomed guy to help her put it on. While he does so, Bogan Dude laughs and says “Puttin’ on girls jewlery, FAGGOTY FAG!”

So, some points:

(1) Friendly-Looking Girl could have put that on herself. But instead she asked Well-Groomed Guy to “help” by putting it on her.

(2) In order to do this, Friendly-Looking Girl had to press her back and ass up against the front of Well-Groomed Guy, and also pull her long hair aside, bend her head forward and expose her neck to Well-Groomed guy, who had to put his arms around her to arrange the necklace before fixing the clasp. [2]

(3) Well-Groomed Guy could get it from Friendly-Looking Girl. 100%. FACT. And judging by the way he rather slowly put the thing on her, and his focus while he did so, he is fully agreeable with this concept.

(4) That Bogan Dude doesn’t see this means that he is apparently the least observant person in the universe when it comes to body language, or maybe he just doesn’t want to see it. If forced to bet either way, my money would be on the latter.

 

That’s it, that’s the whole story. They wandered off down the road. For a moment, I felt a bit bad for Bogan Dude, but hey, he’s the kind of guy that uses “Faggoty Fag” as an insult, so you know what fuck him, I hope he walks in on Well-Groomed Guy doing Friendly Girl from behind. And doing her well.

 

[1] Yep. I think I did.

[2] And I’m not even going to get into the symbolism of a girl asking a dude to put a chain around her in the first place.

We Have Such Sights To Show You

For my breakfast, I put a leftover piece of KFC with some leftover tandoori sauce.

I cannot describe the result.

We Have Such Sights To Show You

Inexplicable, also Delightful.

Annette found this in the lounge.

“MORE OF A MYSTERY THAN ANYTHING”

Willow refuses to explain. We’re baffled. And delighted.annettle_2015-Mar-14

Ding!

Willow says: “This is my computer set. I’m going to play World of Warcraft!”
[Note: She just up and made this on her own. No guidance from Annette or myself. And she put the dock in the correct place, on the right, where the Baby Jesus meant it to be.]

 

willowthebean_2015-Mar-03

The Time Is Nearly Upon Us.

meerkat heat lamp

South Korea To Be Nibbled To Death By Ducks.

centauri empire best empire

Lok’tar Ogar!

It seems that if you’ve been playing WoW solidly for ten years[1], Blizzard will FedEx an orc  to your house.

I know now this for a fact.

 

[1] Solidly, in that you’ve had an active account for that time. Not, like, constantly for ten years. That’d be excessive, even for World of Warcraft players.

 

jsrnz_2015-Feb-16 1 jsrnz_2015-Feb-16

 

Nomenclature

Sometimes I can really sense my personal input into Willow’s development…

Willow: “This show is called ‘Dinosaur Train”!”
Me: “Does it have dinosaurs in it?”
Willow: “Yes!”
Me: “Does it have trains in it?”
Willow: “Yes!”
Me: “So the name it has is …”
Willow: “Apt!”

Midshipman Bravey McNoblePeasant, Reporting For Duty.

I’ve been reading a lot of Science Fiction recently, which should come as no surprise to anyone that knows me at all. I’ve found myself reading quite a bit of a particular genre of military SF .. I’m sure this sub-genre has a name, but I’ve no idea what it might be.

Generally, it seems to require 19th century naval traditions, except that they’re IN SPACE now.

It will contain some, most, or all of the following elements:

The protagonist will be a plucky junior officer or cadet. They will be very smart, focussed, steely-eyed, and have a higher order of tactical thinking or ability than other cadets, but also be of a lower social order (or more provincial background) than others. These elements will set up a rivalry with another cadet or junior officer, and that antagonist will inevitably be rich and of a good bloodline and well connected within the SPACE NAVY, but will be venal and sneering and whatnot.

There will be constant reference to the smartness and crispness and colour and decoration of uniforms. These uniforms may, if you actually picture them fully in your head, be awful. “She looked at herself, steely-eyed, in the holo-mirror. She carefully adjusted the bright gold epaulettes on her crisp cerulean dress uniform with it’s chartreuse piping and accents. It would do. She deactivated the mirror with a brisk voice command and made her way to the formal dinner.”

There will be formal dinners. Oh, how there will be formal dinners.

There will be strange stilted nomenclature for all spacecraft and equipment. “The USS Gloryblazer was a Mark II Cruiser, with a Class 4 Macpherson Drive, 15 banks of missile launchers and three banks of older, but still perfectly serviceable, Chomodley-Smythe Type 4 deflector screens.”

 The protagonist may, as they are (of course) rapidly promoted, gain servants in the form of valets and cooks (see above re: Formal Dinners) and bodyguards and suchlike. At least one of them will be both wry and arch. They will all be very loyal to the protagonist, because the protagonist is so noble and clever.

There will be a considerable level of alcoholic consumption by everyone from every level of the SPACE NAVY. But weirdly, no other drugs, not even in the year three million or whatever. Oh, except maybe for some “Stimpacks” or something, that improve concentration. Those are allowed. I presume they offset the alcohol.

There will be a lot, and I mean a shitload, of weird military protocols about lines of control, officer seniority, and who exactly is in command of what at any given time. It may come down to who started at Cadet School Academy Hogwarts College Navy Institute (not it’s actual name) on what date.

Despite the fact that there will be the trappings of hard SF (warp drives, laser guns, even AI) all the protocols used to maneuver the ship and/or squadron of ships will rely on humans yelling shit at each other. Shit like “Cut engines at my mark! … MARK!” and “Set course for three point one seven elliptical!” “Aye Sir, Course laid in!” and “Activate Macpherson Drive! I say again, activate Macpherson drive!”

There will be a weird  class structure in place, where despite the fact that it’s the year three-million or whatever, all the officers will be straight out of the upstairs bit of Downton Abbey, and all the “crew” will talk like Tolkien orcs: “Cor blimey, the captain’ll ‘ave yer flogged, if’n yer don’t get to polishing that there Macpherson drive!”

There will be constant references to the posture of everyone involved. Needless to say, the protagonist always stands straight-backed while looking steely-eyed at  things.

The protagonist will have a torrid affair with someone around their own rank. That someone will, of course, be killed in combat. The protagonist will be crushed by their death, but will nobly continue their duties because of their nobility, etc.

At some point, despite their youth and lower social standing, the protagonist will take command of a ship, or a squadron, or a whole fleet. They will win a great victory with it because they are so clever and noble. This victory will end up saving a planet or galactic civilisation or the all-encompassing universe itself, and will make a lot of people of higher rank in the SPACE NAVY very, very angry.

The cover of the book will definitely have a spaceship on it.